DAMIAN MUZIANI
The Boy

Damian is probably best-known for hosting parties that have enthralled hedonistic masses of people while enduring the derision and outrage of moral protesters. His home, known as "The Dawg-Crib", has had countless thousands of revelers pass through its doors, exposing them to a social experience so intense, that many end up altering their careers, religions, and political views upon leaving, and inexplicably causes several of his neighbor's lawns to die.

The role of "The Boy" in the play Eat Your Heart Out is actually five completely different characters. Damian, who for years has suffered from schizophrenia and multiple-personality disorder, luckily has five alternate people living inside him that actually have the same names and character traits as the fictional ones he plays on stage! (After much debate and considerable effort, Damian's sixth personality, a four-year-old Vietnamese girl named Lum-Sim, could not be worked into the dynamics of the play. She will, however, be cast soon for the Spare Parts production of Good Riddance, Saigon, to be produced in 2008.).

Damian last appeared as "John the Butler" in the Spare Parts production of The Man Who Came to Dinner, a role which he took only because it adequately fulfilled the number of his sentenced hours of community service and work-release requirements from prison. Institutionalized for most of his adult life, during rehearsals he insisted on calling everyone "boss" and was shocked to realize that cigarettes actually are packaged in groups of twenty and not sold individually for $20 apiece. Ironically, he was arrested several times during this period for repeatedly sexually harassing other cast members and continuously crank-calling the director from a pay phone outside the theater, claiming to be a disgruntled blind mime, angry over a lack of credible parts for him in community theater.

Damian owes much of his acting ambition and style to his sister Roseann. Her guidance and support have been a source of inspiration to him, a fact not lost on his peers and colleagues, who continue to blame her for opening the "Pandora's Box" of calculated lunacy and chaotic incompetence which they face every day by working with him. To ease this burden, Roseann has downplayed her relationship with Damian in recent months, claiming to have only casually met two of his personalities, and briefly invested in a failed real-estate scheme with a third.

In between his theater work and television appearances, Damian enjoys stumping himself by blacking out and trying to figure out where he is when he awakes. Occasionally, he will black out while driving and wake up in a truck stop diner or day-care center, insisting that he is the mayor of "Funkytown" and demanding that all residents wear clear, water-filled-heeled platform boots that you can put little goldfish in. On one occasion, he awoke from a black out in five feet of water, with Ted Kennedy, covered in mud and vines, pulling him to the shore of the Chappaquiddack River and screaming, "You saw nothing! Got it?!".

Unfortunately, Damian's blackouts sometimes have unhappy results . The most severe of these involve his blacking out on the Jersey Shore in 1998. He awoke to find himself laying on the beach in Wildwood Crest, nude except for a tan Speedo bearing the slogan "J'amore Quebec", covered in Mayonnaise and rolling continuously southbound, sand coated to his body, to give himself the appearance of a "land-tsunami", which terrified children and made women nauseous. At the subsequent trial, Damian failed to convince a jury that this ridiculous physical display was actually a the doing of a seventh personality of his, a giant hermit crab named Shelly, and was sentenced to watch three hours of anger management videos that dealt specifically with beach erosion. Is anybody laughing yet? No? Oh, well. I tried.

The following is not a joke. Seriously. Damian will appear on two episodes of the new syndicated "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" game show in late September, with new host Meredith Vieira. Check your local TV listings for times and channels.

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