Brandon Libby (Ned)

We received a certified letter from Brandon's attorney's yesterday, which contained the following:

Brandon recently escaped from his Arab-Berber master in the Islamic Republic of Mauritania. He was given to a young woman as a wedding gift, but she later traded him for three camels, gin and a carton of cigarettes. (Editor's Note: We tried to contact The Mauritanian Embassy for confirmation, but they did not return our calls).

Emboldened by his new sense of value (three camels has the American value of one 1995 Acura), he snuck away from the encampment disguised as a rabid dog named Pinky. Traveling from village to village, he finally made his way to the coast and sneaked on board a garbage barge headed for the islands of Wallis and Futuna in the South Pacific. While onboard, he survived on scraps of fishheads, coconut shells and kale.

Once on Wallis and Futuna, Brandon helped the native population by solving their deforestation problems, and teaching them the meaning of "Bling Bling". They elected him governor of the island collective, and Brandon took three wives and sixteen heads of livestock from the grateful villagers.

One rainy afternoon, he decided it was time to return to the States and joined a fishing schooner on it's way to Hong Kong. The boat captain's paperwork was forged and the boat was turned away, so in desperation, Brandon crept over the side at night and swam to shore.

The next morning, he woke up on a park bench and the first person he saw was Dave Nolan, snapping pictures of the Hong Kong harbor like a Japanese tourist in Times Square. Nolan was overjoyed to see him, since he had been traveling the world in search of the perfect person to be the lead in his next show. Brandon was hesitant, but Dave was finally able to convince him after he paid three Chinese women to "walk on Brandon's back" for an hour.

Brandon received a telegram from his third wife, Alofina, complaining that the cows needed milking, the children were running wild and that his two other wives broke the screen door. He plans on returning in June.