Heather Owens (Andrea)

Heather Owens needs to make it big as an actress for so many reasons...and since no one reason is better than the next, she will just pick one at random to start.

First off she needs the money to pay for her expensive driving habits. Whether she is driving into the back of a school bus (yes folks...somehow it actually happened) or speeding along down the road practicing her karaoke routine, this girl has spent serious dough on bodywork and tickets. Maybe she should put her acting skills to work and get herself out of some of those tickets...either that or find herself a cute cop to marry.

Next on the list would be to support her out of control shopping obsession...seriously people, you would think the girl wore disposable clothes if you saw how much she buys. She even has her own personal dressing room at her local Express and has thus far put 3 sales girls through college with the commission she earns them.

Another very important reason for her to make it big, and maybe the most important of all, is to support her illegitimate child, Margarita. This beautiful little girl is quite possibly the result of a booty call with long time on-again off-again boyfriend Jose Cuervo, though DNA tests have yet to prove for certain if he is the father, or if an un-identified white Russian is responsible.

While Heather may have trouble walking past a mirror without looking into it, or even breaking free from a bathroom for that matter, she has no trouble immersing herself completely in a roll.

For instance, she recently got so absorbed in her role as Sister Amnesia in a production of "Nunsense", that several months later she still has trouble remembering the simplest things (i.e.- her name, address, phone number and the name of the handsome stranger she woke up next to one morning). Though many friends admit this is much better than the time she played Lucy in a production of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" when there were several agonizing months during which she set up a psychology booth in her front yard and refused to talk to anyone unless they paid her 5 cents for her advice. And if they welched on the nickel she called them a blockhead and threatened to slug them unless they paid up. And to top things off her friends had to post bail for her several times for tormenting her town's pee wee football team and stealing all of their footballs during their field goal attempts.

To get into her new role as Andrea, the hyper-sensitive aerobics instructor, Heather went on the character's strict diet of only eating apples and raisins, which resulted in her losing 10lbs during rehearsal, despite her alter-ego Elisa "force feeding" her Doritos and Cheez-Its.

Heather would like to thank Elisa for writing this scary, but (mostly) true bio. Her pharmacist for keeping her chill pills in stock. And her family for always telling her how "special" she is. Qua?