Leslie Irwin (Alice)

Miss Irwin hasn't been herself lately. The other night, during rehearsal, she drank three, 20 oz. cups of coffee. And it was 7-11 coffee, not even WAWA coffee. But anyway, the point is, is that is was free coffee. And by the time she got to the third coffee, it was cold. Cold, free coffee. Miss Irwin was a little disappointed that nobody brought any snacks. Halfway through the second 7-11 coffee she thought it would be nice to have a donut.

She didn't fall asleep that night until 2, maybe 2:30 am. Sometime around 4:45 am she woke up screaming "Do You Want FRIES With That!?!" and had to get up to go take some Excedrin. She looked at the bottle and wondered to herself how much each one of these little, red Excedrin's actually costs, and did she really need one. "Maybe I should just take one, save a little money, try to make 'em last". After standing there a moment, staring at the bottle, she didn't take any and went back to bed. She laid there for an hour trying to do the math in her head.

Miss Irwin says that the one good thing about her unemployment running out, and nary a job on the horizon, is the weight loss. She was already producing the current show when Dave asked her to do a small part in the play. "But Dave, you've cast all these tiny, slim little people in your show, are you sure you want an Amazon like me?". He assured her that her super-sized presence on stage would provide his show with an additional comedic effect. After giving it some further thought, Miss Irwin realized that since she was out of money, she might waste away quite nicely by the time the curtain rose, especially if no one was going to bring any snacks to rehearsals.

She's a mess. Really. For the first time in her life she's actually wondering what kind of gas mileage she's getting. If she could remember how to do the math, Miss Irwin would surely have figured it out. Instead, she's been insisting lately that some of the rehearsals should be at her house, although she won't admit why. The cast is reluctant because Miss Irwin has been keeping the thermostat down to an Arctic level and some of the ladies have complained to Dave. They said that they look unshapely in all the layers of sweaters that they must wear to keep warm. Miss Irwin likes that they look unshapely. It makes her feel thin.

We're sure that Miss Irwin will land on her feet eventually. And even though, in a few months, she'll be completely mad, totally bald and covered with a shocking rash, we feel sure that she'll be able to find employment in her chosen profession. But if she doesn't, think about keeping a few snacks in your pocket, just in case you run into her.